im 19. old. but with something new. =P

today i turn freaking

NINETEEN!!!!!!!!!!...

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its the start of something new. new beginnings for KIMLOKE~~

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dead tired

right now im so dog dead tired. depressed. lonely. and so ready to quit this fudging job. whatever........

this whole morning i was visuallising and making essays in my head about how im gonna write a long anonymous fax to Lee Lam Thye about all the crap which happens which he probably doesnt know so i will tell him. my mum semangat asked me to write . i actually formed the whole letter in my head. paragraphs and all. when i reached home i lost all ideas and just pushed the idea aside til the next day i bersemangat. one fine day la.

i wana give tons of hugs and kisses to my sisters for sending me a bday card.. *hugzzzz* *muaxxxxxx* so sweet.haha.even though our mum spoilt the surprise. apparently my mum has sent me a card to. with a purple envelope summor. lol. cant wait. the card came at a good time. i was darn pissed off when i reached back cuz i realised i'd left my apartment keys in the changing room in my hotel. deng-ing like crap. and i saw the card. perfect moment. gave me semangat to go and get my keys, buy rice and chicken and climb all the way back up to apartment half dead. well well. I GOT A BDAY CARD!!!... first present of the bday. ho ho. like lar im getting anymore.

raymond loke. david was saying 'YOU ARE SO LAST GENERATION' to jessica la....blur case la u my dear.. =P

someone sent me a bday sms thinking my bday is TODAY. great memory. he's even more malu now that i told him i remembered his bday is tomorrow. hah.

i feel mighty depressed for some reason. no mood to go makan d. no mood to do anything. dont even care that wednesday is coming. so what. big deal la. im working summor. from 7am . my manager is so freaking kind. sumor he knows my bday is that day. wth. and i dont know when my off day will be. grrr.. already dying like dog. still need to work tomorrow. and the day after tomorrow. and its tomorrow........... sigh. hate this crap.

i talked to katelynn about me and my quitting nonsense. she made me c that its nonsense. and i have it much better off than her. haih. and that we both are donkeys and both want to quit but we both dont have any other better future plans so we both shall shaddup and finish our course. rite. like we will shaddup about it. still moaning everyday and everynight. at least i have 11 more months of swiss crap and she has 7 more years of russian crap. swt.

results were out today. kelly is happy like dunno what. my teman dearie ccm is not so happy. and the other teman dearie david should be bangga as heck..haha.. 10As man... cekap boy indeed. wasted the 1B only..but he's super cekap and im so proud of him. heh. ccm. im so proud of u too. =P dont cry k. there's always hope...  SOME people who said will sms me never did. so. whatever laaaaaaaa....i merajuk d.

there's like a blister forming at the BOTTOM of my heel. when i walk the pain is inavoidable. deng. and i have no choice but to walk and walk and run everyday in the hotel. so darn crappy.

i've complained enuf tonight. im depressed but it doesnt show cuz becky is here and she's making me not as emo as i would have been if i was alone. so. im rather fine now. i think. anyway.

BEDTIME.

nostalgia with a weird end

lol.. tomorrow all the 2006 SPM ppl are getting results. i dunno why there's this weird feeling inside of me. maybe nostalgia. maybe i dunno what. its so scary to think that almost a year ago (13 MArch 2006) i too got my results. also that day itself we were rushing off to HM camp. mad chaos. we collected our results in the bengkel KH. i think katelynn was lining up in front of me or behind me. so freaked out. acting calm but feeling like want to vomit due to over nervousness. i remembered the night before that day i didnt sleep well at all.. faced with the stress of camp and the anticipation of my results the bengkel was crowded until my classmates lined up til outside. what with 6 science classes students and family members crowding in it to get results. i looked for any sign of disappointment or pride in my class teacher when he passed me the my results slip and the certificates. he said nothing nor gave me any sign. i took everything outside where there were less people without looking at it. under the trees at the teachers carpark i took the first look. the feeling of disappointment and despair filled me. i started crying. how pathetic. luckily noone was around me. then kate came. and she said we had got the same. when we hugged. i duno. just felt like i had disappointed myself and everyone who had any hopes on me. i hardly wanted to hear about other people's results or the top student or bla. although my close friends came and hugged me to share tears and joy. i left as quick as i could. one because i didnt want to cry in public. and two because i was supposed to go to church asap so the bus could leave to camp. in the car. my mum asked. i answered. and she asked me if im satisfied. i said im not. but its fine. choked with emotion. still act tough. i made calls to grandma, grandaunt, teachers. they were disappointed. one told me straight. the rest, i could hear it in their voices. in church where all the pat guas asked me i jz answered plainly. found out who did better or worse or whatever. i didnt care much. just sat quietly alone from all the fuss and hype when i didnt have to run around working. i guess im glad that camp started on that day. or else i would have been more emo and gila depressed if i'd stayed in school longer and if i'd gone home that day instead of to camp. not like i had tons of fun or wat. but atleast i hd things to do nonstop to kp my mind off it til another day. to this day. i dont think many know how deeply depressed i was about my SPM results. noone knew that i cried in school except kate. noone really realised what it meant to me. i cant say its really THAT bad. but to me, i really believed i could've done much better. over confidence maybe. i worked hard thats for sure. even though last minute but i worked darn hard for it. i found out later that my school put my face up on this poster titled "SM Convent Ipoh's Top SPM Scorers for 2005" . kate' and yeeyen's face too. it was hanging on the main corridor at the entrance of the school. i remembered laughing in shock when i saw it. although i was nowhere near the top of the poster, but still. kate and i had a good laugh at US being part of MC's top scorers. like wth. our school's standards must have been real bad that year. lol.

oh well.. its in the past now.. SPM results dont matter any crap to me nor what im doing right now anyway. so sometimes i wonder why i worked so hard anyway. lol.  one of the answers is actually it was for maruah diri. which i didnt keep anyway. sucky.

nostalgia la this feeling. its been buggin me the whole day for some funny reason. ti hink its cuz i saw TIMOTHY LIM's blog lar...the video make me so nostalgic liao...i blame u..HAHA.. nostalgia is good though. but it always makes me emo. emo-ing is good only for making me blog properly. ho ho.

to all you people who are getting results tomorrow. i'd really like to hear from you guys. be it good or bad. it would be a nice gesture to let me know. =) my maxis number still lives you know..5sen for one sms wont hurt THAT much yea.. =P but i understand if you want to keep it to yourself and just forget about it. but i'd appreciate news. hopw everything will be as you wished  and hoped for. *hugz*

to all those leaving for HM camp tomorrow. i dun really know what to say. just enjoy yourselves. bring back pictures. take back good memories. and let God take charge. not anyone else. =) will be missing you tremendously for the next 4 days. CCM and David Lim will be paling missed. lol. i have this weird feeling of relief that im not going this year. somehow feel really relieved. i guess im really not a part of HM anymore. sadly.

 i know this has no kaitan with camp. but since its funny i shall post it today when im sure david wont have time to see it til he comes back on thursday...MUAHAHAHA...i'll miss you david.. *sniff* CCM dun get jealous, i dont have any video of you YET.... muahaha...soon i will get one video of u kena sabo in camp with toothpaste man...yea~!!!....Jonathan is on my side... =P

TURN ON YOUR SPEAKERS TO MAX~~

this is David getting owned by Jess..HAHA.. he was kacauing her cuz he's taking over her place as president of HM. lol. dec 2004 CORE retreat. the one and only retreat i attended. lol. memories galore.

life in all its glory.

dreams. they're like wisps of smoke. you can see them dancing around in front of your eyes. tempting you to reach out and catch them. but when you do. you catch nothing. and the taunting wisps circle the air around your clasped empty fist. still dancing. always dancing further and further away from you.

everything is spiralling out of control. feels like theres nothing solid to step on. nothing to grab hold of. nothing to keep from falling. noone to lend a hand. why. the present is so mundane. yet. its so uncontrollable. the future seems worse.

my mind is turning psycopath.

i feel like im lying in a field of flowers. white and yellow flowers with petals that take flight with every soft breeze. i feel safe. light headed. giggly. at peace. but at the same time, i feel like im in a burning forest. with crackling flames shooting sparks of fire into the dark smoky sky. i feel chaos. fear. the smell of death. choking with every breath. the eerie silence of nothing but tragedy in the making. also at the same time i feel like im in a smog-filled metropolitan city. where high-rise buildings and people fill every nook and crannny your eyes can see. i feel trapped. alone. even though surrounded by people. the noise. it never stops in my mind. the smog that covers the city. it hides the sun. it hides hope.

your life is what you make of it. the choices you make. the roads you take.

however true it might be. it doesnt help me one bit. i hate decision making. its a respoinsibility too huge for my shoulders. i still dont want to grow up. although in reality who the heck gives a darn about what i want.

to be understood. is one of the greatest feelings in the world. to be truly understood for 5 minutes gives you sufficient strength to face another day of being misunderstood. if only the people who understood me could do more than just understand. what a huge difference it'd make in life. when someone understands, its a feeling beyond everything you could think of. beyond relief. beyond satisfaction. beyond bliss. indescribable. noone really understands even if they say they do. i can only think of one person out of my family who actually understands me more than i understand myself. even my own family doesnt get me most of the time. highly depressing. its weird. to have someone who knows you more than you know yourself. understands things more than anyone. and who actually understands. its a connection so freaky but so real and so satisfying somehow.  it just becomes sad when that one person who can understand, doesnt do more than just understand and advise.

sometimes i think i need to take charge of my own life. live it the way i want. make the decisions i want and not what i can or should.  but my life is never my own to claim. and my life doesnt revolve only around me. whatever i do, consequences affect the people around me more than i realise. but still. my life is mine to live.

so what should I do?

or what CAN i do?

more ramblings

i woke up with a BAD start this morning...dreaming of my grandfather passing away...but when i woke up...it hit me that both my grandfathers passed away already...what if...........it was my dad...i was like...crap crap crap!!!....i forgot to pray for daddy's safe journey home today...DENG!!....scared like heck...started praying fervently in sweat and tears..i tell you...no joke...whenever any member of my family travels without me..i always pray for their journey mercy...on the day they leave malaysia and on the day they fly back to malaysia...no fail...but the 2 times i've forgotten.....deng man...i got nightmares of people dying...the last time i forgot was when my parents were returning from i forgot where...i wokeup and cried and prayed and begged and prayed for their safety.. and then i rushed down to demand my maid exactly what time were they supposed to reach klia...she said she forgot but i remembered its sometime in the morning..so call and call my mum's hp like an arse only to get voicemail...every few minutes call....couldnt sit still...and when finally the call got through..i was like crying on the phone hearing my mum's voice...i told her about the nightmare...and she was sayin 'silly girl...God will always take care of us even if you forgot to pray..' that was like...1 year ago...deng today again...this time i didnt call my dad's hp cuz i have no idea what time he reach back or wht...so i had CCM comfort me and calm me and then i sms my mum to call me on skype..you have no idea how scary these things are...and its NOWHERE NEAR FUNNY....you go dream about your family members dying and see la....then you can laugh by yourself..

had some fun listen to my mum ramble...LOL...and when kelsey came back...she rambled as well...funnily i didnt ramble to anyone except CCM today..ho ho....he's paid to teman me werrt....his job....david ran away from it today...eza helped me photoshop pictures although our lame lines today banyak problem and the pictures never got through...darn deng...my school mate came over for the first time and gave me a huge pure chocolate easter rabbit!!...its like the size of my arm man...wahliao..you should see the supermarkets here selling things for easter...gila babi....pure chocolate rabbits the size of you standing in supermarkets...lines upon lines of chocolate freaky looking rabbits with huge eyes....and TONS of chocolate easter eggs...crazy swiss people and their marketing technics...

my workmate came over to lepak and we had fun...lol...then she drove me to school..hahaha..cant believe the minute i reach i already see people i know...HAHA....not bad not bad...famous la aku.. =P one guy friend from my batch teman me to chat while waiting for granny gan to come back from shopping in sierre...cuz she forgot im coming..LOL!!...i called pakcik danno to wake him and come and teman me in gan's room..haahha...dat pig..7pm sleeping d...i unpacked my stuff into smaller bag and i had pakcik danno shift them up the ladder into the attic for me...hahahhaha...free labour.... XD he was like....'KIM you woke me up just so i could carry your heavy barang ar...siao...!!' we went to the 'cafe' and i had my 2nd dinner..lol...nuggets and fries..yeap...sudahlah getting fat d i eat mroe fattening food....pakcik danno taunted me by saying the nuggets and fries already fattening i eat it with tons of mayo summor.....deng............i know its fattening la...sob sob...but it tastes good..   =P  me, granny gan and pakcik Danno, we chat there for like so darn long..HAHA...we're one happy family thanks to me..i have a pakcik and a granny here...nice... XD boy, we talked like everything..HAHA......talk about the low standards of my school...how embarrassingly bad the teachers are....how overcrowded the school is becoming...how worse than teruk the food as become....how lousy the students are...how malaysian hotel management course actually has more standard than our school...how everything is getting so bad in this school that pakcik and i are considering not doing degree in this lousy school... and then we went on to gossip...ho ho ho........about ACS IPOH....wahahhaha...i found out it was pakcik's friend who set fire to the ACS prefect's board room in 2004...HAHAHAHAHAHHA........the police recordered it as electricity wiring problem....darn funny man.....i think AO is gonna fume at this..hahahhaha........i dunno why i just found it so darn amusing... pakcik danno is the best...and i agreed with him that ACS is dot dot dot .......HAHAHA...nvm...im just in a weird state of mind over ACS.....too much nonsense from it...no offense to acs-ians who love their school to death...

i also found out that someone in pakcik's batch got a 95% average for her grades last last semester and earned a scholarship from the school and the school even offer to pay her expenses.........wahliaweh.....I WANT SCHOLARSHIP TOO!!!!......crap...i only got a 87.61% average...wth??!!....and danno was saying the top 10 students from his batch the lowest average was like 89%....deng..................why the heck do i have an 87% average...thanks to blardy french lar....its the only subject i scored an average of less than 82%....i got a darn 73.5% for blardy french....grrrrr....if not i could've gotten a higher average liao....ish ish ish....my highest subject average was 96.2%...ho ho...berbangga...and that was for bar and beverage operations...hee heee the subject filled with alcohol...LOL!!!....my aim for next semester is a 90% average...ho ho ho...but danno is telling me that next semester is gonna be the toughest of all....pLUS....there's accountings which i absoultely CANNOT comprehend.......that was in form 3 KH days la....which i scored A anyway but still...i understood NIL about accounts....deng man...DENG!!...

crap.......after shifting through my school documents...i found my internship project homework thingy...SHHHYYYYYYYYYYTTTTTTTTTTTtt......... my internship is ending in a month exactly from today and i have NO idea how to do my project..............and im definitely NOT showing any part of it to my apartment mate...he can die with his project for all i care im not letting him copy it...hmph......maybe i shall do mine based on my Mandarin Oriental internship..hee hee...cuz by that time, my other friends would have done their project by then and can gimme an idea on how the heck am i supposed to do it...kakaka..see how la....but DENG LA!!!.....a project that i dunno how to do, muz pass up the day i reach bak school, and if i dont do it right, I FAIL A WHOLE SUBJECT JUST LIKE THAT ...and considered that i never worked at all these 4 months....wth wth wth...just with one project.........................................

im so dead meat...

*edited after eading sumthing darn anoying to the bone*

our Malaysia Boleh tourism minister apparently blasted bloggers recently...dunno why only chinese newspapers reported it so obviously i didnt catch it on The Star Online...luckily i keep up with the blogosphere so i got an english translation...he was angry just cuz some indonesian journalist blogged bad reviews about he Malaysian Tourism Board sponsored tour of Malaysia...like hellooooo....if people got a really bad tour that you organized, darn obvious they will write about how bad it was and not fake the whole thing up about how good it was...lousy tourism minister we have...calling all bloggers as LIARS...and saying we disrupt racial harmony...WAT THE HECK??......summor can say that 10000 of all bloggers are UNEMPLOYED..and 8000 of them are women...WTH DO YOU HAVE AGAINST WOMEN YOU IDIOTIC SEXIST>> this is another of the millions of examples of how crack dumb Malaysia has become and how blardy racist pigs the government are also...their pasal that they are not ready for Visit Malaysia 2007 but they wana blame other people for their shortcomings...yeap...Malaysia apapun boleh man...

Tengku Adnan:

Bloggers are Liars

80% are Unemployed Women
updated:2007-03-08 20:11:32: MYT

(Kuala Lumpur) The Tourism Minsiter Tunku Adnan lashed out today (Mar 8, 2007) that all bloggers on the Internet are liars, out of which 80% are unemployed women.

“All bloggers are liars, they cheat people using all kinds of methods. From my understanding, out of 10,000 unemployed bloggers, 8,000 are women.”

Tengku was addressing the media at the 2007 Malaysia GP Sales when he was asked about allegations made on a blog by a female TV presenter. The guests present were shocked at first, but burst into laughter.

He said he may lose some female voters but did not retract his statement or indicate that he was just joking.

He said that bloggers spread rumours, disrupt social harmony and many bloggers are slanderous and are cheating people with their blogs.

“All bloggers are not in favour of national unity. Our country has been successful because we are very tolerant with each other, if not, there will be civil war, the Malays will kill the Chinese, the Chinese will take revenge and kill the Malays, and the Indian will kill everyone.”

He urged the rakyat not to simply trust bloggers, and gamble our future away because the achievement we gain in the 50 years of independence is not an easy task.

“We have to show the world our positive attitude, if the world learn to be as tolerant as us, the world will be peaceful, without war or civil war.”

He said that the tourism ministry has been promoting the country for the rakyat’s benefit, not just to benefit his own ministry.

He stressed that the Malaysian tourism industry is now in a critical moment as the competition from the neighbouring countries such as Vietnam, Cambodia and the Philippines will be stiffer and Malaysia must respond proactively.

you can prosecute me for political disruption now. yup. go ahead. Malaysia is a democratic country. freedom of choice and freedom of speech. thats what sejarah in school taught me. and what im saying is truth. so deal with it.